Never fails...

It never fails. Just when I post something about getting the hang of things, Silas sends me for a loop and leaves me (us) feeling hopeless and lost as parents. Then when I post about post partum blues because I can't seem to get the hang of things, Silas behaves and I get to feeling cocky like maybe I do know what I'm doing.

So I hesitate to post anything about getting the hang of things, but again, I think I'm starting to. I'm starting to figure out his cries, what he can tolerate, what he can't. What he likes, what he dislikes. We start to get kiiiiiind of a routine or rather, the hang of things, at bedtime until the past two nights when he cries for 2+ hours.

All in all, he's a sweet boy. A good boy. A darling boy who has started sometimes giving me smiles. Yesterday he cooed at Jake for a couple minutes. And he loves, LOVES looking at his animals on the wall while I change him. These are the animals I'm talking about. He smiles at them, talks to them and just loves them.

Okay, baby boy is starting to fuss so I'd better cut it short.

Post partum blues

Week 1, felt great. Week 2 and 3....eh, weepy. What are these? Post partum blues? Maybe. I've never had 'em before!

I have this feeling of being an inadequate mother. Like when he cries for no reason. I've fed him, I've changed him, I've burped him, I've done the five "S"s (sushing, swaddling, side lying, swaying....and, uh....well I'm sure I did the 5th "S") and he still cries. Today I had to put him down, walk away, and cry myself. It took me a good minute to regain my composure and when I picked him up, he immediately calmed down as if to say, "Ahh, Mom...it's good to be in your arms again." And I cried again. Why? Because he's so soothed by me [sometimes]. Why can't I be soothing all the time?

It's extremely hard for me to be everything to one person. I'm the feeder, the burper, the changer, the put-er to bed-er (ha!), the soother, the comforter...EVERY thing to this one person. Not to say that Jake doesn't help, but when he's at work and it's just me and Silas, I am it. I am everything. My schedule revolves around him. Some days I don't get breakfast until it's lunch time. Sometimes I don't get my hair or makeup done. Sometimes (like today) I don't get out of my pajamas until 6pm when Jake gets home. It's a lot. And I think I feel inadequate because I've seen so many other Moms take on this job gracefully, without a complaint, without seeming to bat an eye when their babe cries or when their day goes haywire. They do it naturally. Well friends, there is nothing natural about this for me. I struggle every day to be patient, get something accomplished and feel like I'm doing an "ok" job.

At the end of the day though, my baby's belly is full. His diaper is clean. He is swaddled and sleeping. It may be 11:30pm or it may be 2am but my husband and I eventually make it into bed. I guess that's success, right?

I say all this because I just really needed to get it out. This isn't an easy job. This is hard. Very hard. Maybe the hardest job I've ever done. And for those of you who say it isn't, hats off to ya!

More pictures

Meeting Great Grandpa Darner for the first time, 9 days old


My Great Grandpa Leonard thinks I'm pretty great!


"Where are we going, Mom?"



In bed with Daddy....look at their arms! Like father, like son.


DIAPERS GALLOR! (Excuse the messy house...we were in the middle of cleaning) ;)



Rockin' shoes


"Uh, I don't know about this...."


"Ok, I'll just pose"

Don't jinx yourself!

I'm not at all superstitious, but I am kind of afraid to say........ I think maaaaaybe....kiiiind of....sooooort of..... I'm starting to get the hang of this Mommy thing? Today I was able to snuggle with Silas in bed for about an hour {yes, we both fell asleep} and then get up and get my hair and makeup done before he woke up. Being able to get myself put together and make it somewhere makes me feel so accomplished. I actually have enjoyed today - we were able to get around and meet Jake at the gym at 11:30 and then go have lunch. We came home, went for a walk, and now Silas is napping. It's so nice to feel like I got something done in my day besides staying in my PJs all day because I couldn't get 30 minutes to myself.

We have no routine yet. Is this bad? He's only 3 weeks old. He sometimes sleeps for 2 hours, sometimes for 4. Sometimes he eats every 1.5 hours, sometimes he goes for 4 hours. It's hard to set a routine when he changes his schedule all the time. But, we're managing.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to try and upload some pictures from my camera {which is a new camera to me} to update everyone. We'll see how that goes. :)

A few more pictures

Here are a few more pictures that I love :)

My Dad meeting Silas


Proud Aunt Kellee meeting Silas


This is my Mom meeting Silas for the first time.


Do you see where Silas gets his eyebrows? :)





Something about this picture bring tears to my eyes. It's so candid and such a private moment caught between Silas and I right after I nursed him. Thanks Mom for capturing this!


Daddy came home for lunch!


This is Silas with my grandparents, Great Gramma and Granpa Leonard. Notice my Gramma admiring Silas' toes!

Goodbye Gramma

It's always hard to say goodbye to someone we love...it's even harder when you have a wee little one that cries for a couple hours at night and the person you're saying goodbye to is the one who kept you sane! Silas' Gramma, my Mom, left last night after spending a week with us. :( We were all sad to see her go. Many times throughout the week I said, "What will I do when you're gone??" She allowed me to get ready in the mornings, nap in the afternoons (ok, I think I only napped once), helped take Silas to appointments and to the mall, cooked for us, helped clean, and often took Silas when he was fussy and I was out of ideas. We had such a busy week - every day we had somewhere to go. Wednesday I managed to sneak out to lunch with my girlfriends while she babysat and then we sat in the sun in the afternoon while Silas napped. That was the least busy day of the whole week. Gramma took lots of pictures and I'm so glad she did!

Silas is changing every day. At his two week appointment he was 8 pounds, 15 oz and 21 inches long. That's 50th percentile for both height and weight, although I think he looks a little chunky. :) He has "just the right amount of baby chub" as the photographer said. It's true...he's perfect. Everyone that meets him comments on his perfection and great skin color. I know I'm bias so it's nice to hear someone else confirm what I think.

Bedtime has been our greatest struggle. This seems to be his fussy time and leaves us feeling frustrated and wondering how to help. He also seems to be gassy and we've tried gas drops. People tell me babies have fussy times. I guess if he's great all day long then he deserves SOME fussy time, right? At least he's sleeping 3-4 hours at night.

Hope all is well with everyone reading this. I haven't been able to keep in touch very well so thank you for being understanding. If you're looking for weekly updates, please continue to read this as I'm not able to respond to each and every e-mail, phone call or text message.

So now for some pictures of our sweet boy....



Here's Daddy holding Silas' feet, taken at the hospital


This is our sweet boy, just 2 days old



Silas at 2 weeks

12 days down!

Sweet Silas Jacob is 12 days old today. What a BLESSING this child is! I can't even begin to describe how completely in love we are with this babe. Even at 2am when I don't want to get up, I go over and pick him up and suddenly nothing else matters. His scent is intoxicating and I think he feels the same way about me. :) I'm amazing that he knows I am mommy. My voice soothes him, the smell of me calms him (and makes him wanna eat!), my face is mesmerizing to him...there's an understanding and bond there that many describe but none can comprehend until they've had their own child and experienced it for themselves.

Jake had to go back to work today and we were all sad about it. I know the day will come when I have to return too and I dread it. There is something so precious about being together as a family, just the three of us. My Mom came Saturday evening and is staying until Friday to help me out while Jake works. She's cooking and cleaning (yes, I'm doing stuff too) and we even squeezed in a little shopping today! Tomorrow is a breastfeeding class, 2 week appointment and then more visitors!

Let me take a quick second to apologize to those of you that have called and/or texted recently and have no received a reply back. I honestly have not had a chance to return phone calls because I know that I will want to talk 30+ minutes but don't have that kind of time. Your messages, voice or text, are so sweet and thoughtful. I value your friendship so much. When life calms down a little (it does, doesn't it?) we'll chat and catch up.

Anyway, that's all for now. I would LOOOOOVE to update you daily on Silas but as any new Mama knows, they are time consuming! Maybe when it's just Silas and me at home, we'll have more downtime and I can post pictures and blogs.

Thanks for your patience! :)

HE'S HERE!!!

He's here!! Our long wait for our sweet baby boy finally ended! Silas Jacob Soll was born March 31, 2010 {his due date!} at 3:14pm weighing a whopping 8 pounds, 9 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

Tuesday evening {the 30th} around 8:30pm I noticed a constant low back ache different from the back aches I'd had off and on throughout my pregnancy. This was more like a period back ache. I mentioned it to Jake and said, "Huh, maybe this is the start of contractions?" Big mistake...Jake watched me like a hawk the rest of the evening and couldn't sleep thinking my labor would start any second. :) I woke up to go to the bathroom around 1:15am and noticed the pain was somewhat radiating to the front but was constant, not coming and going like I thought contractions might feel. Neither of us could fall back asleep thinking maybe this was something, so finally at 2:30am I called the OB just to see what she thought. She decided since I was already dilated 4-5cm, I'd better come in.

By the time we got the hospital and checked in {around 3:30am}, the pain was coming and going...still not bad, but noticeable. The nurse {Lynn} checked me in, hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough - contractions! I felt somewhat relieved that we had recognized these aches and something different. At shift change I got a new nurse, Laurel, who ended up being the most amazing labor and delivery nurse EVER! We hit it off pretty quickly and she made us feel right at home. She checked me and said I was dilated to 5cm, 70% effaced and at a -1 { the -1 is the location of how low the head sits in the pelvis}.

At 8:45am, Dr. Makkapati came in and decided to break my water, thinking this would progress things. Have you ever had your water broken? It is the craziest, most surprising feeling! I instantly felt like I had just peed ALL over myself. I kept telling Laurel, "Oh my gosh, this is terrible!" I almost felt embarrassed. :) She was great, though and was more than willing to help me get cleaned up. Let me tell you, it is a humbling experience being on the patient side of things and letting someone else help clean your bum. But she was nice about it and blew it off like it was nothing, which I'm sure it was for her.

Instantly after my water was broken my contractions were much more intense. They went from a 3-4 on the pain scale to about a 7. This is where my amazing birth coach, Jake, came in. He held my hand and helped keep me calm and focused with each contraction, which were about 4 minutes apart. These contractions escalated until I was at an 8-9 for pain, shaking with each contraction and barely able to hold myself up. I up to the bathroom and had two contractions that about brought me to my knees - thankfully, Jake was there to help support my weight and help me breathe through them. These new, stronger contractions were still 4 minutes apart but I only had 1 minute in between them. I think that's what made it so rough...there just wasn't recovery time in between for me to regain strength. I finally asked for an epidural around 10:30 and by 11am, the epidural was in place.

*Let me stop here to say that I had had the mind set of going with the flow. You know, "we'll see how it goes". I wasn't 100% set on going all natural, but thought it would be great to do so. Being on the other side of things, I stand in AWE of women {MY MOM, Julianna, Tori, etc.} who labored and gave birth without an epidural. You women are truly amazing and courageous!*

The epidural took about 30 minutes to take full effect, but was well worth it. It allowed Jake and me to be able to actually enjoy the rest of the experience. Jake wasn't handling my intense pain very well and by that I mean he was just beside himself seeing me like that.

Laurel came in around 2pm-ish to check me and said, "OH! You're at a 10! Lets get ready to push!" Uh...what? Already? I felt a little panicky at this point because now this was real - we were going to have a BABY. A BABY!!! I think Jake and I looked at each other at that point with the look of shock and maybe some fear.

The student nurse grabbed a leg, Jake grabbed the other and Laurel helped tell me when to push. This was the fun part! The panic I felt soon passed and it was shear excitement knowing I was so close to seeing our baby! This is when I appreciated the epidural more than ever. The four of us {Laurel, student nurse, Jake and I} laughed and joked in between pushes, talking about middle names for Silas, me joking about being completely exposed for all the world to see, etc. Honestly, we really had a blast! Seeing the crown of Silas' head was enough for me to really give my pushes all I had and Jake and Laurel kept me focused on the prize.

Dr. Makkapati came in for the "last few pushes" which ended up being about a half hour more of pushing because my contractions were so far apart. I think at this point, they turned down my epidural because I started to feel excruciating pain in my left back and soon it was radiating to the front...I was feeling the contractions. They got so bad that by the end I couldn't hardly focus on pushing. Finally...FINALLY his head came and with the next big push, I felt that sweet babe slide right out {*WEIRDEST feeling*}.

Jake and I bawled - and I mean SOBBED as he was placed on my stomach. All that waiting, all that fear, anticipation, excitement had come to this. This wriggly, wrinkled, messy little body that lay against mine was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on.

We have continued to be amazed daily at this beautiful gift from God. He is so perfect, so soft and snuggly, such a miracle! I can't wait to personally introduce him to each of you. We've taken lots of pictures and somehow I just haven't found time to download any to my computer. I promise I will do so...eventually. :) For now, here's a sweet picture that was taken on Easter.