Post partum blues

Week 1, felt great. Week 2 and 3....eh, weepy. What are these? Post partum blues? Maybe. I've never had 'em before!

I have this feeling of being an inadequate mother. Like when he cries for no reason. I've fed him, I've changed him, I've burped him, I've done the five "S"s (sushing, swaddling, side lying, swaying....and, uh....well I'm sure I did the 5th "S") and he still cries. Today I had to put him down, walk away, and cry myself. It took me a good minute to regain my composure and when I picked him up, he immediately calmed down as if to say, "Ahh, Mom...it's good to be in your arms again." And I cried again. Why? Because he's so soothed by me [sometimes]. Why can't I be soothing all the time?

It's extremely hard for me to be everything to one person. I'm the feeder, the burper, the changer, the put-er to bed-er (ha!), the soother, the comforter...EVERY thing to this one person. Not to say that Jake doesn't help, but when he's at work and it's just me and Silas, I am it. I am everything. My schedule revolves around him. Some days I don't get breakfast until it's lunch time. Sometimes I don't get my hair or makeup done. Sometimes (like today) I don't get out of my pajamas until 6pm when Jake gets home. It's a lot. And I think I feel inadequate because I've seen so many other Moms take on this job gracefully, without a complaint, without seeming to bat an eye when their babe cries or when their day goes haywire. They do it naturally. Well friends, there is nothing natural about this for me. I struggle every day to be patient, get something accomplished and feel like I'm doing an "ok" job.

At the end of the day though, my baby's belly is full. His diaper is clean. He is swaddled and sleeping. It may be 11:30pm or it may be 2am but my husband and I eventually make it into bed. I guess that's success, right?

I say all this because I just really needed to get it out. This isn't an easy job. This is hard. Very hard. Maybe the hardest job I've ever done. And for those of you who say it isn't, hats off to ya!