An intense love

I cannot believe how intense my love is for Silas. Of course everyone tells you you're going to have an out-of-this-world kind of love for your child, but as probably every first-time Mommy can relate, you don't fully comprehend anything until you experience it. I never fully got the concept of how drastically our lives would change until I experienced it. I also completely didn't understand how much love I would have for this child and how strong my feelings for him would be.

We've received some advice lately from several people - one being a complete stranger that Jake met at church...a fellow Daddy with more experience. Their advice in a nut shell has been, "Don't wish your child's life away" -- don't wish he was talking, sitting, walking, running, throwing a ball, etc. because before you know it, they're doing all that and you've missed out on the baby stage and all the fun that comes with it.

I had been pondering this thought for the past week or so and I am really trying to wrap my mind around it and apply it. While I'm excited for everything in the future that Silas will do, I love, love, LOVE where we are right now. Sure his dependence on me feels a little burdensome at times, but I love that he NEEDS me - for comfort, for nutrition, for survival. Wow! So much responsibility. I love that he nestles in my arms or in the crook of my neck as if to say, "Oh Mommy, I love you!" I love that he smiles in recognition of Jake and me, and that he also smiles at strangers. And I finally LOVE nursing him.The first couple months my feeling of nursing was, "people love this??" I get it now. I understand the bond now and relish in the closeness I have with my baby.

I looked at Silas tonight as I rocked him to sleep and prayed that God would burn the image in my mind. When I'm old and have Alzheimer's, I want to be the little old lady that tells the stories she CAN remember - the ones of me rocking my babies to sleep, the "good old days". I never want to forget how precious Silas is right now and I never want to loose the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I think about how perfect he is.

To be honest, I'm already begging for this baby phase to last a couple years (I know, Jake thinks I'm crazy too). :) I simply can't enough of his snuggles, his love for me, his smell, his chubb, his toothless smiles, his happy nature, the rolls on his arms and legs or the head-over-heels-in-love feeling I have for him.

I thank God every day for the miracle that I get to call my son. Having a son of my own has put into perspective the sacrifice that God made in letting His son die for us. I can't imagine sacrificing the life of my child, my only child, for people who turned their backs against me, who sinned against me, and who betrayed me. I can only begin to imagine the heart-wrenching pain God must have felt to watch his Son die for our sins. Thank you, Lord, for your sacrifice. For sending your son into this world to save us, to save me, from my sins.